I feel myself slipping away. I love going to mass, I love being involved in church, I love the people in church.
But then I just want to leave and not look back. I don’t want to care. I want to destroy my life and run away.
And I feel myself breaking, tearing, ripping. I don’t know what to do.
I find that I don’t fit anywhere anymore, like pieces of me are breaking off and I realize that I don’t even know why I am here.
Maybe I just shouldn’t. What? I don’t know, I just shouldn’t. And it is confusing.
Yea, cooking is easy.
But not as easy as not cooking.
*when a scary part comes on TV*
Me: No thank you, sir.
*I hide in the kitchen*
I might’ve mentioned this before but I’m not speaking to my confirmation sponsor. He only talks to me when it is convenient for him, like he would happen to be teaching my karate class or wanted me to do something for karate. But if I tried to talk to him normally like over text or Facebook, he’d stop replying.
I understand that he is busier than me and has an actual job and wife but you’d think that he would eventually reply. I’d visit him at his house if he ever answered his phone.
So I’m not speaking to him. I’ve given up on a relationship with him even though I used to feel like he was a brother to me.
My dream though was him apologizing and me being me I wasn’t taking it but he persisted and I gave in. Which I would do because I miss him so much. And in my dream he became my big brother again.
And its making me cry to think about. My mom kinda talked to him but she doesn’t understand and so she made it seem like I had just called him and he didn’t answer. So he gave her 2 numbers and I’m not going to call him first. And he’s called twice before my mom talked to him but the messages are about me doing something for karate. He only ever calls because of that stupid place.
And I’m a mess.
I believe that a prayer is more likely to come true if you are praying for exactly what you don’t want to happen.
Why try to try?
Because so far, I’m being lazy. But I need to get up and get out so I can study in the library for awhile, then go to the gym at school for the class.
i think what bothers me most about ghosts is that they can see you naked, and they watch. like, they purposefully haunt your house and move shit around, and to top it all off, they watch when you are taking a poop! creepy.
My university’s website for the courses makes me so angry with a passion that could quench the fires of Hell. And it also makes me want to repeatedly hit my laptop/head against the table.